Sure, I’ll have another… You take the first shot like a champ! Tequila is always fun and with a little investment, it is actually quite smooth.
After conquering the second one, you’re feeling pretty damn good! Just thinking about the third one feels a little dangerous but you like danger and you’re not a play-it-safe kinda girl. Third time’s a charm, right? I sure hope so, considering the third shot is now just a distant memory.
You feel powerful, a true force of nature!
But are you? Sure you are, look at you! You are a pro now. Your stress is gone. You’re dancing, laughing, loving… LIVING! Who cares that you are a bit wobbly at times, your feet are still on the ground!
You would not dare go for one more. (Or would you?). You’re 3 shots in. You hesitate to take the fourth one. Should you really be trusting your perception of your own reality right now? What the hell, who likes odd numbers anyway? BAM!!! Fourth shot down.
What did you expect? You knew how this story would end!
Tequila came with a warning. It was written on the first shot glass you ever purchased from every Spring Break souvenir shop. You know it so well that it’s etched into your brain. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… floor!”
Just saying… I would have appreciated the same warning after my third child!
All I ever heard was…
“The third child would be left out.”
”Four is easier than three.”
Once my older two lost the initial excitement of my third child and started shutting their doors every time she was near, I started wrapping my mind around the idea of one more. A playmate for the third. I wanted a big family ever since I started losing mine. I have been envisioning it ever since I fell in love with my first-born and experienced true unconditional love.
As soon as my grand finale, lovely Liv, started growing in my belly, Sasshole Sage the third made her appearance.
Consider this your warning. Etch-a-sketch this shit into your brain. Because, I am here to tell you… They had it all wrong.
The third child does not get left out. The other kids are deliberately hiding from her.
They are scared of her (and I don’t blame them). She is scary.
The third child is not here to play games. She has work to do. The third child holds her own and is force to be reckoned with. She does not want attention, the third child DEMANDS it. She doesn’t request respect, she requires it.
The third child is as sneaky as that third shot of tequila. She looks fun and smooth like the rest of them… but it is a facade. Their real personality (ALL OF THEM) creeps up when you’re least expecting it. You know, after the decision to bring life to another human.
Yea… so this sums up how I am doing as a mother of 4.
Pretty bad, huh? You read it right.
Yes. I am relating tequila to children. And, yes. This was inspired after I took a shot of tequila.
No. Tequila is not the culprit of why I chose to have four kids. (Well, that may not be entirely true for one of them).
One Kid, Two Kids, Three Kids… FLOOR.
Yes, I fell flat on my face and blacked (this parent thing) out. I’m only left with a foggy head and flashbacks as I try and piece it all back together.
I can feel the intensity of judgement…
Look, I love my kids (yes, even more than tequila). They are my whole world. I have been blessed with this crazy, beautiful big family that some can only dream of and, trust me, when I tell you that I am so very grateful.
This is not a cry for help. I am okay (or will be anyway).
Writing is my form of therapy, I am just self medicating. This is my sad attempt at humor as I learn to navigate through my new normal.
My heart genuinely explodes just thinking about raising these beautiful babies. I can not wait to deliver the same Christmas experience that I was blessed to have. I can’t wait to watch them grow up and see what they are passionate about. I am beyond ecstatic just thinking about dress shopping for prom and could cry thinking about their first love or heart break? Oh I can’t take it. My heart gets so full just thinking about vacations and everything I want to share and experience with them in this world. Oh, the memories we will make in this crazy, beautiful life we created!
But…OMG. I was not at all prepared.
My oldest two spoiled me rotten. Sure, they were once an infant and toddler and that is never easy but even on my worst days, I could hold it together. I can’t say the same anymore. I sometimes get creepy quiet and just think to myself, is this my life? Then sometimes, well a lot of the time, I just cry.
If it is not the exhaustion, it is the weight of the guilt from who is not getting enough of my time and attention – work, laundry, sports, school, business, relationships, bath… oh a bath, I sure do miss those. The constant juggle and always feeling inadequate because it is literally impossible to feel as if you’re doing anything right when you are spread so thin and pulled in so many different directions.
I just want one moment… with one person… to do one task… so for one second, I can feel like I did before. Before I became a mom of four, like when I had it all together.
Yes I just said that.
What if I took it a step further. I just want one moment… with one person… to do one task so for one second, I can feel like I did before I became a mom.
Is it not okay to just want to remember myself for a moment before my entire world became about everyone else.
Chill and stop judging Karen, Susie and Carol. Focus on your next PTO meeting. I said for a moment, not forever.
Just like everything in life, these feelings are as temporary as this stage in our life. It is an adjustment phase and like always, I will get through it.
In the meantime, send help… and tequila.